Who's Your Daddy?


Who's Your Daddy?

By Ashkara and Christy

Standard disclaimers apply.

Noin rubbed the towel through her hair, dropped it on the back of her chair and grabbed a cup of coffee, then settled in front of her computer. "Ah, just what I needed," she murmured, pulled up her email program, and started scanning through the addresses.

"Evaluation report… Equipment requests… Status reports… 'Tips for the Evil Overlord's Wicked but Beautiful Daughter'? Zechs, what are you playing at now?" Chuckling to herself, she opened the email.

Twenty minutes later, she was laughing uncontrollably and sending off her reply.

----- begin message -----

TO: "Lucrezia Noin" [girlwonder@specials.OZ.mil]
FROM: "Zechs Merquise" [maskedavenger@specials.OZ.mil]
SENT: 20 March AC196, 2208:36
MESSAGE: Tips for the Evil Overlord's Wicked but Beautiful Daughter

This 'email tag' of Maxwell's seems to be catching, and I thought you should be included. As you know, I've been forwarding the results of his insanity. I hope you've enjoyed them so far! Welcome to club, Noin! Please send copies of this to Treize, Dragon, Yuy, Barton, Winner, and the one and only God of Death, or they'll never let me hear the end of it!


[Lucrezia Noin wrote] My dear Zechs,

You have been thoroughly corrupted, though I must admit, I've totally enjoyed reading the various responses to the lists. I'll do my best to continue along the lines you all have started, but I want to know how I could be 'the daughter'… never mind, I probably don't want to know!

----- view attachment -----

Tips for the Evil Overlord's Wicked but Beautiful Daughter:

1. Make a point of finding out all those lovely little family secrets so that the Hero can never spring them on you.

[Lucrezia Noin wrote] I found out about you, Treize and Wufei a long time ago. What could be more incriminating than finding you sleeping with the enemy? And then some…

2. Do not fall in love with the Hero.

[Lucrezia Noin wrote] Of course not! A) Heero is too young for me. B) I refuse to fight Maxwell in the area of Heero infatuation!

3. If you fall in love with the Hero, and decide to help him, do not declare your intentions to Daddy. He'll just clap you in irons, pending execution. Of course the Hero will rescue you, but that's demeaning.

[Lucrezia Noin wrote]: Which one of you three is my Daddy? Maybe I'll just assume that Treize is… which makes you and/or Wufei my 'Mommies'…

4. If the Hero takes you to his secret base, and once there tells all about his plans, smile sweetly, leave, and find another man; this Hero is obviously so stupid he will not be around for very long.

[Lucrezia Noin wrote] From reading the emails between Maxwell and Treize, I have been assuming that Yuy is the hero. In which case, A) he would never take me to his secret base, B) he is definitely not stupid and I'm beginning to think he's indestructible, and C) I am already looking for 'another man'. Do you know anyone available?

5. If any of Daddy's Evil Henchmen try to make a move on you, maim them at least. While the encounter might be interesting, it would set a bad precedent.

[Lucrezia Noin wrote] I already outrank 'Daddy's Evil Henchman' . They wouldn't dare make a move on me. I'd probably send them to the most miserable duty available. If it were you making the moves, however…

6. If you fall in love with the Hero, and want him to return your affection, do not use a drug concocted by a wizened old lady living on the top of a mountain. If the hero is not blind, your natural charms will be sufficient to win him over. If he prefers some tramp of a princess, then he obviously has rotten taste; find someone better.

[Lucrezia Noin wrote] I don't know any wizened old ladies who live on top of a mountain. And from what I understand, Yuy prefers Maxwell. Do you think he would be amused by being called a 'tramp of a princess'?

7. If you fall in love with the Hero, and learn that he has a True Love, carefully investigate the relationship. If she has never returned his affection, the position is still open to competition (but you have to work as the Hero's Sidekick for a while, first). If the True Love returns the Hero's affection, give it up. Especially, do not try to eliminate the True Love by killing her, framing her, or subverting her. You'll either fail, be unmasked as the culprit, or both.

[Lucrezia Noin wrote]: Fail is putting it mildly. Maxwell would probably chew me up and spit me out. That is one scary boy.

8. Do not wear dresses with high, fan-like collars. Stick with close-fitting, simple little numbers that allow you to turn your head to see behind you. If for some reason you have to wear a dress with a high collar, there is an arcane device called a "mirror" that will help you watch your back.

[Lucrezia Noin wrote] I leave that sort of… clothing, if you must call it that, to your sister…

9. Have some engineers install a hidden exit from the room where Daddy imprisoned Mommy for the rest of her days after she displeased him.

[Lucrezia Noin wrote] You never told me Treize imprisoned you… where was I? I hope you didn't play that 'game' without your Dragon present. He might take offence… and take it out on me…

10. Do not mistreat the populace. Let Daddy be the one to make enemies of all the Heroes in the land.

[Lucrezia Noin wrote] Treize is far too charismatic to make enemies, though I doubt Yuy has noticed.

11. If you have siblings, do not trust them. They'll only use you shamelessly. Of course if they're stupid enough to trust you, use them shamelessly.

[Lucrezia Noin wrote] I wish I had a sibling. In fact, I once wished I had Relena for a sibling. I've learned the folly of that since, and it's not just because you happen to be gay, my love. Sister or not, she's a menace!

12. If any of your siblings try to enlist your help to overthrow Daddy, smile, agree, and then turn them in. They're either stupid (in which case the plot would certainly fail and you'll get caught), setting you up (in which case not turning them in is a very bad idea), or they've turned Good (in which case life under the new regime would be boring ).

[Lucrezia Noin wrote]: I hate to tell you, but Relena would happily try to overthrow Treize, just to get Heero to look at her. The girl has no sense to speak of.

13. Laugh at all of the Sidekick's jokes, no matter how lame they are. That way when you pretend to fall for him he will be more easily fooled.

[Lucrezia Noin wrote] First of all, I do find some of Maxwell's humour amusing, even when he's destroying a base I'm on. Second, if I even pretended to fall for Maxwell, Yuy would come after me, personally. Fighting because we're on opposite sides of a war is one thing; when it becomes personal with Yuy, I want to be in a different universe. Besides, do you honestly think Maxwell would believe it?

14. Rather than simply being an attractive stage prop, make sure that you know every detail of the running of the Evil Empire, so that if anything unpleasant happens to Daddy, the transition of power will go smoothly. Then make sure that something unpleasant happens to Daddy.

[Lucrezia Noin wrote] I believe this one to be fairly meaningless. If something unpleasant happened to Treize, I would most probably be either dead or in no shape to run the Evil Empire.

15. Make up your mind now whether you want to sleep with the Hero or slowly cut him into little pieces. Do not attempt the latter until you have given up on the former.

[Lucrezia Noin wrote] I think I'll skip on either. If I slept with the Hero (assuming he'd let me!) I'd have one very pissed-off American terrorist out for my blood. If I attempted to cut him to pieces… yeah, right. As if I could! Duo wouldn't get a chance to kill me - Heero would send me back to you in a Ziploc bag.

16. Daddy's Trusted Lieutenant works for Daddy. When he catches you cavorting with the Hero, he will gleefully take whatever you offer for his silence, and then turn you in anyway.

[Lucrezia Noin wrote]: Hmmm… who is the trusted Lieutenant? Une? I'd have to agree with this one in that case.

17. When Daddy has an evil henchman you don't like, mop the floor with him, then tell Daddy he made a move on you.

[Lucrezia Noin wrote]: No offence to either you or Treize, but I don't need you to fight my battles for me. I'm tough enough to do it for myself, thanks. But should you have another friend who is AVAILABLE (for a change) who would be willing to be my knight in shining armour, I'd be more than happy to meet him.

Hitting [SEND], Noin giggled to herself. It had taken her a while to get over her disappointment about Zechs, but now that she knew how happy he was, and how in love… It was nice to be able to tease and be teased without it hurting any more.

She stood and walked across the room to flop on her bed bonelessly, stretching, and finally covering her face with her hands as she continued to laugh. "God, I can't believe I actually sent that…"

The scariest thing- she actually had copied the pilots on it. Duo Maxwell had actually left flowers on her suit for her, after disabling it… and every other suit in the hangar. If he could leave her flowers in the middle of an attack, she shuddered to think of what he'd do with juicy, little secrets about her love life.

"Hmmm… a serenade would be nice. A nice guy who can sing and be romantic and princely…"

She sighed and shook her head. "Damn, Zechs. That's it. No more blonds for me."


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