Guerilla Warfare For Dummies


Guerilla Warfare For Dummies

By Ashkara and Christy

Standard disclaimers apply.

Trowa Barton glared out the window of his current safehouse with a morose frown. Damn mission! It just had to rain! God, I feel like shit! He sneezed again and reached for a tissue. Surveillance missions in the rain just plain sucked!

What made it worse – Quatre was somewhere in Argentina on his own mission. "Just when I need to be babied… and he's not here." He sniffled and coughed.

He was just plain bored. He'd already tried watching television – for some reason, people actually liked watching programs called 'soaps' – something he didn't understand at all. After all, how many places in the world were inhabited by people named Hope and Cassandra and Beau, who were involved in strange love triangles that involved stolen babies and princesses with amnesia? Was that actually supposed to make sense? The movies were just as bad – even pay-per-view seemed to be either dumb chick flicks or straight porn.

Even the computer was no help – he hadn't heard from any of the guys in days, not since Heero wrote him that he'd be in the area soon and would stop in to see how he was doing. He sneezed again and coughed hard, clutching at his sides as he wheezed. He figured he might at least find something interesting to read online—

The computer suddenly beeped, and Trowa jumped, startled. He looked down –

He smiled. Finally – an email! And from Wufei – it was bound to be… He stared and blinked hard at his computer. "Since when does *Chang* send junk mail to anyone!?"

He clicked on the message and began to read:

----- message begins -----

FROM: "05" < >
TO: "03" < Space_Cowboy @ neverland . org >
SENT: 19:42 November 15, 196AC
SUBJECT: Re: Evil Overlords


It is thoroughly unjust for you to have been left out of Maxwell’s latest round of insanity, especially considering the fact that he even included Kushrenada and Merquise. Hence, I felt it my duty to include you. I apologise in advance for the antiquity of this piece of drivel.


P.S. Please cc your answers to Messrs Maxwell, Yuy, and Winner, as well as Zechs and myself.

Thank you,
Treize Kushrenada
----- end message -----

Trowa smiled and reached for a tissue. He knew it was only a matter of time before he was hit with the craze. He blew his nose and reached for the keyboard. "About time one of you got in touch." He sneezed again and laughed to himself.

----- view attachment -----

[Trowa Barton wrote] Chang, Kushrenada,

Who would have ever thought I'd be thanking Treize Kushrenada for sending me a message.

If it makes you feel any better about losing a base, I've got a nasty cold from the stake out. I'll be sure to send you the bill for my prescription.

Wufei, glad to know you're okay Be safe.

My answers are attached. Enjoy, as I'm sure I will.


Tips for the Ultimate Guerilla Warrior/Spy

1. You are not Superman.

[Trowa Barton wrote] I only jump tall buildings in a single bound with the aid of a trampoline. That doesn't count, does it? I think I’ll leave the Superman title with Heero.

2. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Who wrote this survey? Duo?

3. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

[Trowa Barton wrote] See, Heero? Even this list agrees with us…

4. Odd or conspicuous objects attract fire. Never lurk behind one.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Right. I’ll do my lurking behind the beat up, dark sedan, rather than the red sportscar. I'll use that one as my escape vehicle.

5. Large, armoured vehicles are bullet magnets.

[Trowa Barton wrote] And large mobile suits aren’t?

6. Incoming fire has the right of way.

[Trowa Barton wrote] I make a point of letting it go by BEFORE I make a move.

7. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Duo, we need to talk about that note you left on the table…

8. Undercover agents who blend in too well can be shot by friendly forces just as easily as real enemies get shot.

[Trowa Barton wrote] So can the ones who sneak in at all hours, then trip over the coffee table in the safehouse’s living room, Duo.

9. Tracers work both ways.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Now you tell me. Why is it I'm the only one who seems to have this problem?

10. If the enemy is in range, so are you.

[Trowa Barton wrote] That is debatable. Heero, what’s the range of Wing’s beam canon again?

11. Avoid working too closely with an enemy commander while undercover. Each time (s)he sees your face is another opportunity for him/her to recognise your [WANTED] poster picture.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Lady Une is so whacked at times she wouldn’t recognise her own mother. Sorry, Treize, but truth is truth.

12. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.

[Trowa Barton wrote] They do, however, occasionally get left behind to draw all fire to themselves. And no, I’m not mentioning any names, Duo. You’d never let them live it down.

13. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.

[Trowa Barton wrote] I could mention a few things much more satisfying, but Quatre might make me sleep on the couch.

14. Avoid loud noises; there are few silent killers in a combat zone.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Is this a pun on my nick-name? You called me 'The Silencer' for a reason.

15. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Is that a trick statement?

16. Try to look unimportant. The enemy may be low on ammo.

[Trowa Barton wrote] But they usually have another clip somewhere, so run really fast.

17. When in doubt, empty your magazine. Ammo is cheap; your life isn't.

[Trowa Barton wrote] If only it was. Heero, I need another bank account before I can take my next mission.

18. It is physically impossible to carry too much ammo.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Rub it in, why don’t you. Just remember: I only pilot Heavyarms; I didn’t design it.

19. Teamwork is essential; it gives them someone else to shoot at.

[Trowa Barton wrote] And you all thought I usually took a partner to make the mission easier…

20. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.

[Trowa Barton wrote] The only one I want to share a foxhole with is just as brave as I am, so I doubt I’ll have to worry much.

21. Agents assigned to work undercover should leave behind all personal items, including perfumes and distinctive jewellery. Vanity is no reason to get yourself caught or killed.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Hm. I suppose I should leave my clown mask behind then.

22. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.

[Trowa Barton wrote] That’s a no brainer, to borrow from Duo. When have our missions ever gone according to the plan? Improvise is our collective middle name.

23. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Tell me about it. And run screaming when someone says “I have an idea!”

24. The important things are always simple.

[Trowa Barton wrote] For example, yelling "It's a Gundam!" is much less effective in keeping a person alive than actually engaging in a battle and shooting the enemy before he can shoot you. You'd think OZ pilots would have figured that out by now. Not that I'm complaining, of course.

25. The simple things are always hard.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Quatre is *not* simple.

26. The easy way is always mined.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Makes me wish I'd been given the flight model. Land mines can actually scratch my paint job.

27. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Now you tell me. I was wondering why Heero didn’t come to my rescue during that last big job.

28. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

[Trowa Barton wrote] That’s why I only use whole world maps.

29. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.

[Trowa Barton wrote] There are always at least two solutions. My solution, and the wrong one.

30. You can win without fighting, but it's a lot tougher to do. And the enemy may not cooperate.

[Trowa Barton wrote] My poor Quatre still doesn’t want to believe that. Treize, how about giving us a little cooperation here?

31. Once you open a can of worms, the only way to re-can them is to use a larger can.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Screw re-canning anything. Draw the 'worms' away from the 'can' so my partner can blow it up and help me pick off the 'worms' at our leisure.

32. In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Such as, say, pressing the self-destruct button? I'll remember that.

33. For every field operative, there are two innocents who wander onto the battlefield at precisely the wrong time.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Two Relenas? That would be extremely disturbing.

34. Hiding in plain sight can be a surprisingly effective camouflage.

[Trowa Barton wrote] I know. That’s why I do it.

35. Everything goes wrong at once.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Isn’t that Murphy’s Law?

36. Anything you do can get you shot, including doing nothing.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Fatalistic, but true. They’ll shoot at you regardless.

37. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.

[Trowa Barton wrote] We don’t get ambushed. For two reasons. A) Subtlety is not a strong suit among Oz troops, and B) Heero can crack any code.

38. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.

[Trowa Barton wrote] When was the last time there were enough of us on the same mission to flank anything?

39. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is the main attack.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Excuse me, WE usually do the attacking.

40. When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place.

[Trowa Barton wrote] I've already apologized for putting that virus into Shenlong's system, Wufei. It wasn't my fault you were still hooked into the mainframe for the data dump.

41. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Defensive positioning? Us?

42. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Unless they’re Oz troops. Damn, Treize, your minions never learn.

43. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back to regroup.

[Trowa Barton wrote] This is probably why I never let my enemies retreat. Cliché though it sounds, people who lay eyes on a Gundam will not live to tell the tale.

44. After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.

[Trowa Barton wrote] And yet somehow, we're still winning and you're not, Treize. What does that say to you, since I know what it tells me.

45. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Quatre wouldn't forgive me for that, now would he? Then again, I'm sure he'd be just as upset if I got my 'front' shot up, too.

46. Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Tell me about it. Those jeans may look good, but the extra minute it takes to get them off when Quatre is … I think you know what I mean. It's a real bitch.

47. If you make it too tough for the enemy to get in, you can't get out.

[Trowa Barton wrote] One comment – motion sensors on the perimeter rock.

48. People who can do cool stuff get noticed. Be boring.

[Trowa Barton wrote] What would you suggest I do, then? Cross-stitch?

49. No matter which way you have to march, it's always uphill.

[Trowa Barton wrote] I let Heavyarms do the marching.

50. Never let them know how rattled they get you.

[Trowa Barton wrote] I never knew that… I must have cultivated the perfect poker face for the fun of it…

51. A grenade with a seven-second fuse will always burn down in four seconds.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Only if Quatre works the demolitions. That’s why MY charges are always made by Duo.

52. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Why bother with suppressive fire in the first place?

53. When in a firefight, kill as many as you can; the one you miss may not miss tomorrow.

[Trowa Barton wrote] I don’t miss. End of statement.

54. The only terrain that is truly controlled is the terrain upon which you are standing.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Or the terrain you've just blown to kingdom come.

55. If at first you don't succeed, call in an air-strike.

[Trowa Barton wrote] I’ll remember that, and the next time I have a problem I’ll take a page from Relena’s book and screech “Heeeeero!”.

56. Never put off until tomorrow a task you can accomplish today. The enemy always goes after spies after dark, so it's better to be prepared for it.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Preparation is good. Winging it works well at times, too.

57. Use the right weapon to fight the right battle; you don't need an Uzi to swat a fly.

[Trowa Barton wrote] You may not need it, but even Wufei would admit it's more fun, eh, Duo?

58. The best tank killer is another tank. Therefore tanks are always fighting each other, and have no time to help the infantry.

[Trowa Barton wrote] We are the tanks and the infantry at the same time, and we always help each other. Okay, we usually help each other. And yes, Duo, I’m sorry for not backing you up on that mission, but Quatre needed me more. You were only outnumbered by 20 suits. He had 25. Do the math and get over it.

59. The law of the bayonet says the man with the bullet wins.

[Trowa Barton wrote] I'm surprised to get a line like this from a set of swordsmen, despite the fact that it is true. I'd think that using a gun in the middle of a swordfight would be too dishonourable for either of you.

60. Napalm is an area support weapon.

[Trowa Barton wrote] So are nuclear warheads…

61. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Duo’s mines would never turn on him. They wouldn’t dare.

62. If you can't remember where you put it, the claymore is pointed at you.

[Trowa Barton wrote] The sword or the mine? Of course, it probably doesn’t matter either way.

63. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.

[Trowa Barton wrote] In order to win a war, you've got to gets your gloves dirty, isn't that right, Treize?

64. No inspection-ready unit has ever passed combat.

[Trowa Barton wrote] So true. We don’t have inspections, and we keep beating your troops, Treize. Maybe you should let up on your troops?

65. The side with the fanciest uniforms loses.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Ah, confirmation that we will be the victors. Sorry, Treize, but you and your soldiers have the fanciest uniforms. Have you ever considered jeans and a t-shirt? If you do, I’m sure Duo can set you up.

66. Beer math: two beers times 37 men equal 49 cases.

[Trowa Barton wrote] How many cases of beer does it take to incapacitate a mechanized infantry division?

67. Body count math: 2 guerrillas + 1 probable + 2 pigs = 37 enemy KIA.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Hmmm… that seems about right to me.

68. If you take more than your share of objectives, you will be assigned more objectives to take.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Unfortunately for Duo, Heero has never learned this fact; for all that we’ve tried to pound it into his skull.

69. When both sides are convinced that they are about to lose, they are both right.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Mind over matter. Since we never really think we’ll lose, we don’t.

70. Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Luckily for us, your people are all professionals, Treize, so we don’t have to worry about it.

71. Friendly fire isn't.

[Trowa Barton wrote] First thing you learn in Mercenary 101.

72. Recoilless rifles aren't.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Are beam rifles recoilless?

73. Suppressive fire won't.

[Trowa Barton wrote] No, but blanket bombing will. And then some.

74. Interchangable parts aren't.

[Trowa Barton wrote] I'm sure Heero could give an answer to this much better than I can. And then sleep on the couch for a week for reminding Duo of it.

75. Guided missiles aren't.

[Trowa Barton wrote] They are, as long as the shooter has adequate aim. Thankfully for us, Treize, your soldiers are sorely lacking.

76. Perfect plans aren't.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Please… Don’t listen when Duo says “But my plan is flawless!”

77. Final Protective Fire doesn't.

[Trowa Barton wrote] What the hell is that supposed to be?

78. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Close air support is useless against Gundams, anyway, especially if Wing in on the mission. Haven't you learned that yet, Treize? If not, here's a clue – we can see them coming practically from take-off.

79. Precision bombing is normally accurate to within plus/minus one mile.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Unless you’re an Oz soldier. Then amend that to five miles.

80. Radios will fail as soon as you desperately need fire support.

[Trowa Barton wrote] I doubt this is a major concern for us. The only ones likely to give us fire support is each other, and our radios haven’t failed us yet.

81. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Why else would I plan most of my missions for those conditions?

82. When you've written down several of radio frequencies, the most important ones will be illegible.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Write them down? And risk letting someone else get their hands on our frequencies? As if. This had better not be another joke about my memory…

83. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.

[Trowa Barton wrote] So is rose-scented masculinity. Sorry if this offends, Treize, but the troops know about the bubble bath. You should hear what they say about it.

84. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Good reason to shoot for one-word commands, such as 'go,' 'kill,' or 'retreat.' Then again, Duo's method of 'shoot the stinking jackasses outta the sky and fry that goddamn base' works, as well.

85. The crucial round is a dud.

[Trowa Barton wrote] I don’t know about that. That round that knocked Shenlong on its proverbial backside wasn’t exactly a dud. Duds don’t usually cause enough damage to have Wufei incapacitated for a week…

86. The one item you need is always in short supply.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Stealing my hairspray was a mean move, Yuy. I don't care if Duo put you up to it, your ass is grass.

87. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Yeah, like pilots. What I wouldn't have given to have Quatre 'shipped' with me for that last 26-hour flight out to L-4. Would have made the flight *much* more enjoyable, thank you very much.

88. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.

[Trowa Barton wrote] The most evil words in any language are 'some assembly required.'

89. The most delicate component will be dropped.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Duo sneaked this one in, didn’t he? How many times do I have to apologise for dropping that detonator?!

90. Design flaws travel in groups.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Yes, they do. They're called OZ mobile suit squadrons.

91. Tolerances accumulate unidirectionally toward maximum difficulty.

[Trowa Barton wrote] And some tolerances just plain *don't* accumulate. Like Quatre's alcohol tolerance. Then again, we had a lot of fun that night he found your Bourbon stash, Heero… Sorry we drank it all.

92. Nature sides with the hidden flaw.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Yeah, like gravity ruining my hair every day, and then bedhead setting in after hot sex all night. You'd think nature could have more respect for the rising price of hair care.

93. If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Or explode. You can take that any way you wish, Duo.

94. Always keep in mind that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Unless it’s a Gundam.

95. The more the weapon costs, the farther away you will have to send it to be repaired.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Not necessarily. I honestly don’t think there’s anything mechanical that Duo can’t fix.

96. If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Maxwell’s Guide to Warfare, Volume 1.

97. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Then again, some fools aren't as foolish as they'd like you to believe, isn't that right, Duo?

98. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.

[Trowa Barton wrote] And Quatre's sisters are very persistent; trying to prove Quatre's 'abnormality' is all my fault. If only they knew just how fiendishly inventive their little brother can be…

99. The enemy never takes notice until you make a mistake.

[Trowa Barton wrote] I try to avoid mistakes. Quatre looks at me mournfully when I make them.

100. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.

[Trowa Barton wrote] We've broken your code, Treize. For example, we know that 'let's have phone sex, baby' really means 'get your sexy ass over here so I can nail it into the mattress, Wufei.' As amusing as the subterfuge is, you might as well drop it.

101. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: (a.) When you're ready for them; (b.) When you're not ready for them.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Whoa. Now that's deep thinking for you.

102. When you have plenty of supplies and ammo, the enemy takes weeks to attack. When you're low on both, they'll attack that night.

[Trowa Barton wrote] You just won't shut up about the ammo, will you?

103. If you are short of everything except the enemy, you are in combat.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Including ammunition, I suppose?

104. REMFs (Rear Echelon Mother Fuckers) are everywhere.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Stupid ideas are like assholes; everyone has one.

105. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

[Trowa Barton wrote] And my co-pilot is 'just right', eh? I happen to agree.

106. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Or Quatre with a field cooking kit.

107. A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.

[Trowa Barton wrote] And a man with a comm. link to his Gundam knows the time in any given quadrant down to the millisecond. That's top-line engineering for you. Even better – a comm. link to Quatre, meaning any time is too late if he's in the bedroom and I'm not.

108. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Or challenge him to a duel, isn't that right, Wufei? You've got two officers at your beck and call now.

109. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Never tell Duo you have nothing to do, either. He will come up with something for you, and it might not be to your liking.

110. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.

[Trowa Barton wrote] A Mercenary’s Field Guide, page 367.

111. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.

[Trowa Barton wrote] I rarely get the chance to volunteer. Quatre beats me to it.

112. A sucking chest wound is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

[Trowa Barton wrote] You know, I’m surprised Duo doesn’t have this on a t-shirt.

113. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

[Trowa Barton wrote] So when do we get one of these things?

114. Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.

[Trowa Barton wrote] You hear that, Heero?

115. Walking point = sniper bait.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Hence the reason I NEVER let Quatre take point.

116. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Is this true, Duo? Or is it ‘reach out and pop someone’?

117. As soon as you mention something, if it's good, it goes away. If it's bad, it happens.

[Trowa Barton wrote] That’s why I usually say nothing.

118. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.

[Trowa Barton wrote] I don't know – programming Mobile Dolls to do the Safety Dance on the fly not only helped me get away, it was damned amusing, as well. It was a wonderful idea, Duo.

119. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honour.

[Trowa Barton wrote] It would be nice to get a medal. Maybe when we win.

120. The seriousness of a wound is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Tell me about it. I still don't know how Heero survived his self-destruction, let along the flight out.

121. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.

[Trowa Barton wrote] You can't mean that. From what I saw of the surveillance tapes from their last joint mission, Heero and Duo found a certain foxhole very 'convenient,' indeed.

122. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

[Trowa Barton wrote] With reference to the aforementioned surveillance tapes, and I quote, "God, Heero! Just like that! Oh, fuck that's good!"

123. Respect all religions in a combat zone; take no chances on where you may go if killed.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Duo may have the right idea with his chosen deity. There’s a god of death in nearly every religion, so his bases are all covered.

124. When you drop your equipment in a firefight, your ammo and grenades always fall farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Enough about the stinking ammo, already.

125. The bursting radius of a grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Unless you are a gymnast. It is a little-appreciated but highly useful skill. And it looks good, too.

126. When you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. When you're running low, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.

[Trowa Barton wrote] What is it with all the ammo comments?

127. Weather ain't neutral.

[Trowa Barton wrote] And Fate’s a bitch.

128. A clean and dry set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.

[Trowa Barton wrote] BDU’s? We get BDU’s? And Duo wears one?

129. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Even a pilot's chair can feel fantastic when you're really tired.

130. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Caveat - the worse the weather, the more knots you'll find in your camouflage netting.

131. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.

[Trowa Barton wrote] I wish I got served anything in the field. After a long hard mission it's bad enough to have to make camp and set up a tent… then to have to cook? It could pour for all I'd care if someone would actually serve me. You know, I have to give Oz credit for that, at least. They have people to serve their soldiers meals.

132. Success occurs when no one is looking; failure occurs when the General is watching.

[Trowa Barton wrote] I guess we’re lucky we don’t have a General, though the doctors are just as bad.

133. The more stupid the leader is, the more important the missions he's ordered to carry out.

[Trowa Barton wrote] I don't know about that one. We had some good commanders in the mercenary corps. However, Treize, there's one guy of yours…

134. A little ignorance can go a long way in the direction of maximum harm.

[Trowa Barton wrote] So can just not caring. Or ambition. Or PMS. Treize, maybe you should have Une on a tighter leash?

135. When all else fails, read the instructions.

[Trowa Barton wrote] But invariably those instructions are written in a language you don't understand. Was this thing written by a woman?

136. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.

[Trowa Barton wrote] I think I resent that. I'm one of the troops and I know exactly what I want. I want Quatre, naked, on an island paradise. Oh, and one of those fruit drinks with the umbrella in it.

137. Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Ooo. Somebody was feeling the negative karma when they wrote this thing.

138. You never find a lost article until you replace it.

[Trowa Barton wrote] And you never find a 'borrowed' one either. Duo, next time you want to wear my leather pants, tell me first? Just so I don't think I lost them and buy a new pair.

139. Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Ain't it the truth. I just got an email informing me that I've won an all expense paid three week luxury cruise for two…

140. Things will get worse before they will get better -- and who said things would get better?

[Trowa Barton wrote] Quatre says they'll get better… eventually.

141. Any or all of the above combined.

[Trowa Barton wrote] Sure. How about Quatre naked on the desert island with the fruit drink with the umbrella after the cruise, while Heero and Duo go off and make more surveillance tapes? Oh, and I'll keep the red sports car, thanks.

----- end attachment -----

Trowa quickly hit send before he sneezed again and reached for a tissue – the box was empty. He grimaced as he stood and stumbled across the room to grab the second box. For good measure, he opened the bottle of cough syrup and took a swig, It tasted like grapes.

Heading back towards the bed and the warmth of two large, heavy blankets, he settled down, smiling to himself, despite his sniffles. He had something nice to dream about – a naked Quatre, a desert island, tanning oil…

Very nice, indeed.

He sneezed.




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