Sidekicks Kick Ass


Sidekicks Kick Ass

Part II of the Roleplaying Series

By Christy and Ashkara

Standard disclaimers apply.

Duo Maxwell cocked an eyebrow as he slid behind his laptop, which had just chimed to tell him he’d received mail. “Strange, some moron thought he’d be able to trace…” He looked, looked again, blinked, and then bust out laughing. “God, Heero! Heero, get over here! You’ve *got* to see this!”

It took a moment, but the Japanese pilot was quickly at his lover’s side, wearing a vaguely apprehensive look. “Duo?”

Still laughing, Duo merely pointed –

FROM: Evil_Overlord @
TO: Binky_the_Bunny @
SENT: 02:48 January 30, 196AC
SUBJECT: The Faithful Sidekick
----- message begins -----

Mr. Maxwell,

I thought it only fitting that I return in kind the amusement you saw fit to offer me. Though I am sure you will resent the title of ‘Sidekick,’ I thought the subject appropriate. Please share with Mr. Yuy with my regards.


T. Kushrenada, General
----- message ends -----

Heero turned to Duo, barely suppressing a smile. “Binky the Bunny?”

Duo mock slapped him on the arm. “You *would* fixate on that! So what do you think? Should I reply?”

Heero finally gave a full smile. “It seems like the only polite thing to do, Duo. Have fun.” He gave him a gentle kiss before turning to leave.

Smiling to himself, Duo began to type.

----- original message -----

[Duo Maxwell wrote] Well, Treize, I have to admit I didn’t think you had it in you. But since you were kind enough to answer my email, I suppose it would be rude of me to ignore yours. But just to set the record straight, I know perfectly well that I am not the real God of Death, but it sounds much cooler than anything else. All the same, I am NOT a sidekick – Heero has the name advantage. Hardly my fault.

Anyway, thanks for the laugh, and here’s one for you.

Later –


----- view attachment -----

“If I’m Ever The Sidekick…”

1. If the hero tells me to stay put while he goes on ahead, I will do so instead of sneaking around and getting captured.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] Sneaking is my specialty, as you well know. You’ve never captured me while I was sneaking. So there!

2. When selecting a love interest, I will keep an eye out for the spunky, moderately attractive tomboy type who is about my height. The stunningly beautiful ones are probably spies from the Evil Overlord, and are only trying to sweet-talk valuable information out of me or tempt me over to the other side.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] Two flaws here… 1. Heero would never betray me to you, and 2. Heero would withhold *his* favours if I even considered falling for sweet-talk. Real men just don’t go for mushy stuff and roses, Treize. Sorry to burst your bubble.

3. Optimism and survival appear to correlate negatively. If I find myself hopeful at all times about human nature, I will verify the status of my insurance policies.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] No can do. I’m just optimistic by nature. And the whole insurance policy thing… it’s not like we have anyone to be the beneficiary, really. Well, Q has all those sisters, but it’s not like THEY need the money…

4. I will strive to complement the Hero's skills instead of duplicating them. If I am the most inventive person ever born, I will cultivate those talents instead of trying to become another swashbuckler.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] You know we make a fantastic team already, or you wouldn’t have tried to trace your message to find out where we are and eliminate the problem. Of course I knew! Nice try, T-babe, but better luck next time. And besides, there are *some* things that I do *far* better than Heero does, and he’s *very* appreciative of my talents! *wink, wink*

5. I will coordinate all Heroic Struggle-related activities with the Hero; if I can't tell him what I'm doing, I probably shouldn't be doing it.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] And if I tried to hide anything from him, he’d hack my computer and find out, anyway. Thanks for the advice.

6. I will not go to town for information if I am routinely beaten to a pulp for doing so.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] Find me and *try* to do it, Treizy, and I just might consider the idea.

7. I will exercise caution during the Heroic Struggle. Neither the depth of the Hero's anguish over my death nor the heat of his fury to avenge me will bring me back from the dead.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] Damn straight. He’s already threatened to follow me to Hell and kill me all over again if I get myself killed!

8. I will be quiet and try to stay sober most of the time. If I get drunk and sing bawdy songs at the top of my lungs, I will attract prostitutes who are really working for the Evil Overlord.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] I rarely drink and I never get drunk so I doubt this will come up. I’m underage, silly!

9. If I am tasked to carry a very important message, I will make copies and use FedEx to get them to their destination.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] Oh, yeah! Great idea! Why not try Owl Post, too? Refresh my memory, please – the Postal Services have been under Romefeller control for *how* many hundreds of years?!

10. When the beautiful captured spy offers me sexual favours, they are only a trick to kill me and escape; I will decline.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] Are you implying that I’m fickle? You bet I’ll decline! I only want sexual favours from one person, thank you very much!

11. If I take up the profession of arms, I will not necessarily ape the Hero's fashion sense. Specifically, I will have sleeves on my shirt, and the shirt will be buttoned.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] As much as I love Heero, he *does* have terrible fashion sense. Even if his ass looks great in spandex. You know, he would look quite yummy in those uniforms Sexy Zechsy wears… Can you give me the name of his tailor? Or yours?

12. If my partner is named Dirty Harry, I should realize that there is a reason for that and ask for a transfer.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] Well, we already know my partner is The Perfect Soldier, and transfer is not an available option.

13. Before accepting the role of Sidekick, I will learn how the position became vacant.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] I prefer ‘free agent,’ if you don’t mind. I’d even accept ‘lean, mean, sexy killing machine’ if you must use one of these monikers.

14. If the Hero sends me out on some errand, I will go, perform the task, and return. I will not drop by the tavern for a tankard of ale.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] See number 8.

15. If the Hero does something that hurts my feelings, I shall presume that it was an honest mistake. I will not go wandering off by myself in a fit of self-pity, only to be captured by the Evil Overlord.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] My Heero would never purposely hurt my feelings. Well, he used to call me ‘Baka’ but that’s now a term of endearment. And I can’t think of anything that would hurt my feelings enough to make me run to your side, even if you are kinda sexy and charismatic… you just aren’t Heero. Sorry. Besides, Wufei would kill me.

16. I will inform the Hero and his associates of any embarrassing secrets, so that the Evil Overlord cannot use them to blackmail me.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] Like I have any secrets from Mr. Computer-God, Mr. Psychic, Mr. Psychic’s Boy Toy or The Justice Boy. Speaking of Justice Boy, how did the whole testing Zechs’ ‘loyalties’ thing go?

17. If I am flying a one-man craft which is critically damaged, I will eject. Only if the ejector seat fails will I belt out a long, despairing, agonized scream as I fly the craft into an enemy structure.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] Hey! I am NOT a masochist! That’s Heero and Wufei’s job.

18. If the Hero has any extra-nifty weapons or armour, I will try to obtain like items for myself.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] Can’t go with this one either… My Deathscythe kicks Wing’s butt. *My* thermal weapon works under water! I have a nifty cloaking device! And I bet you’d like to know how they work, wouldn’t you? He he he…

19. I will not wear a red shirt when beaming down to a planet.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] As if. Black is *my* colour, Treize-babe.

20. I will not tell the Hero any of my plans regarding settling down after the Evil Overlord is overthrown.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] Hmmm. Don’t you think we should get a house, picket fence and a dog?

21. I will never open a package addressed to the Hero, or pick up his laundry, or perform other personal tasks on his behalf.

[Duo Maxwell wrote]Hints for living with Heero Yuy. DO NOT touch his mail! Do NOT put his spandex in a hot dryer! But he does like my pancakes for breakfast.

22. When the Hero tosses me his car keys, I will toss them back, and take the bus. Let the car bomb blow him up for a change.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] Being underage is a pain in the neck – we can’t own cars, either. Sigh. Yours was a fun ride, though. Did I ever apologise for stealing it? If not, then thanks for letting me borrow it. Sorry it got blown up – talk to your guys about that.

23. I will not die and be brought back to life by the Hero with such frequency that the fans say I have a revolving door in the afterlife.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] YOU KILLED KENNY! You bastard! :)

24. I will make plans for disposal of my body after I have died, so the Evil Overlord cannot use it for insidious reasons of his own.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] Geez, Treize, would you really? Isn’t one Gundam pilot in your bed enough? You know, I might just have to tell Wuffy that you’re into necrophilia. That’s just plain gross.

25. Someone involved in the Heroic Struggle has an identical twin out there. I'll plan accordingly.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] Sure, take him to bed. My Heero is the best… Heh. You don’t really have to know about that.

26. If I find a pit, I will not throw a rock into it to see how deep it is, unless this information is actually needed for some reason.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] Can I throw a Mobile Doll in? It would make them useful for *something,* at least!

27. If I fall in love with the Hero's True Love, I will inform the Hero first, and then the True Love, so that they can help me get over it and find someone else.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] This one is tough. According to the Spandex Soldier, I AM his one true love. So, for me to be in love with the ‘Hero’s One True Love’, I’d have to be in love with myself. That would be a bit narcissistic, wouldn’t it? And the whole telling the Hero, then the True Love… a bit too convoluted there. What a headache! Let’s just stick with I love Heero and he loves me, ‘kay?

28. If I fall in love with someone else, I will tell him/her now, and not shyly procrastinate, thereby dooming the object of my affection to perish just as I was getting up the courage to make my feelings known.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] We’ve already been over this. *I* am not fickle. I love Heero. Heero loves me. Ya dig? All these questions are going to give me a complex!

29. If the Hero calls for me from some dark place I did not expect him to be, I'll hit the place with some manner of illumination, ask for the password, and proceed with the utmost caution.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] Sorry, I know how you guys operate. I’ll go in with Deathscythe’s guns and scythe blazing, blow up anything in my way, and get my boyfriend out. You DO NOT mess with the God of Death’s Lover with impunity.

30. If the Hero wants me to go get something, I'll arrange for delivery. If this is not available, I'll take along a few faithful comrades. At no time will these services be performed at night.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] The only services I perform at night are things you *wish* Wu-bear would do for you, Mr. Eyebrows!

31. If the Hero is fated to slay certain entities, the Evil Overlord in particular, this means that I will not slay them, and should avoid trying.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] Where’s the fun in that?

32. If the Hero warns me that my girlfriend is a Servant of Evil, I am in a perverse quandary. If I believe him and terminate the relationship, he will turn out to have been dead wrong, and the resulting alienation of affection will drive her to the Dark Side. If I don't believe him, he will turn out to be right, and I will be used as a pawn by my scheming paramour. I guess the only solution is to take my sweetie on a long vacation and not return until after the Heroic Struggle is completed.

[Duo Maxwell wrote] Since we all know I don’t do girls, this is immaterial. However, taking my sweetie on a long vacation sounds like heaven. Know any good, warm, romantic spots?

33. I will not goad bad guys with statements like "over my dead body."

[Duo Maxwell wrote] That is so cliché. Why is it always ‘dead body’, anyway? Why not ‘live body’? ‘Sexy body’? And I much prefer insulting your minions than goading them, though, I suppose it’s really the same thing, eh?



Duo snickered as he printed a copy to show Heero and the rest of the pilots, then hit ‘send’. Grabbing the printed copy, he ran out into the dining room.

“Hey Heero, guys! You’ve got to see this. Too bad he’s the bad guy, because Treize could be fun as hell.”

“I could have told you that, Maxwell,” Wufei snorted.

Five minutes later…

“Maxwell! I am NOT a masochist! And stay out of my sex life!”


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